There was a time when people learned how to write letters the way they learned table manners. Guides and manuals explained where to put the date, how to address a duchess, which ink was proper and how long one could decently wait before replying.
Much of that etiquette was rigid and is happily gone. But a few of its rules were really about care, and those are worth keeping.
Rules we can let go
- Formal titles for everyone. Unless you're writing to an official, warmth beats formality. - Only black or blue ink. Write in any color you love. - No crossings-out. A crossed-out word is a sign of a living hand. Keep it. - Matching stationery sets. Any paper you like is good paper.
Rules worth keeping
1. Write the date and place at the top. In twenty years, "Paris, a rainy Tuesday in October" will be part of the treasure. 2. Begin with the other person. Ask how they are, mention their last letter, before talking about yourself. 3. Reply to what they wrote. Pick up a detail from their letter. It shows you read it slowly. 4. Don't let a letter wait too long. Old manuals often suggested replying within a week or two. A short reply soon is kinder than a perfect one months later. 5. End with care. A real closing, chosen for that person, not a hurried "bye". 6. Add a postscript if something comes to mind. The P.S. was invented for afterthoughts, and they're often the most charming part. 7. Write the address clearly and neatly. Someone, somewhere, has to read it to get your letter home. 8. Never write in anger. The old advice was to write the angry letter, sleep on it, and send a calmer one. It still holds.
Why etiquette mattered
At its best, letter etiquette was simply a way of showing respect: for the reader's time, attention and feelings. Those things haven't gone out of fashion.
Remember how it feels to receive
The best teacher of letter writing is the memory of receiving a good letter. The First Letter is a short sensory meditation on just that, free to read or listen to, with a sample of my magazine, "(meditating) On Art". Read it before you write your next one.
Remember to take as much time as you need, and meet me at the next one.
Love, Evi